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09:50pm 10/04/2005
  i am going to washington university in st. louis!

i know who my real friends are and i need to focus on spending more time with them
and less with the distinguished assholes.

i am drinking a redbull.

and have to:

write a 3 pg paper on a book i didn't read
take a chem test on a unit that...well i don't go to that class
take a calc make up
read pride and prejudice
go to lessons
sleep
do calc hwk



i haven't done work all year...but none of these seem optional today. poopface		  
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09:43pm 10/01/2005
  Bard doesn't have any info sessions or tours on jan 15 apparently. their website lies!. mm it's ok. the more i read about it. and their programs and course offerings. the more i want to go there. and i just tried to think logically about it and proposed that myabe i was just fascinated by the idea of bard and wasn't investigating the other schools enough. so i looked into mary washington. and it wasn't bard. I really don't want to be dissapointed when i visit it. oh well. i do know that things will work out.

uhm. so apparently i have insomnia. I guess not being able to fall asleep. no matter what. until i collapse at about three am constitutes insomnia. I don't know. I have to keep myself on track. I get really frustrated when my parent chime in on these things and yell etc. I can take care of myself. and I really feel like i put enough pressure on myself and their negativity makes it worse. It's been proven. people don't produce when they are negatively repromanded for the occasional slip-up.

I really love lauryn hill. even if she may in fact be racist.

and i also really like Snow Falling on Cedars. although i wish it wasn't so rushed. and everybody go look at what a gooey duck looks like. yeah.

<3mad love from the memo pad		  
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let's get it on in public   
08:10pm 09/01/2005
  things to look foward to:

-dance

-jan 15. visiting bard. and being on campus of a school i was accepted to. and being in control of whether or not i go there, not a team of admissions ______.yeah ha

-no school martin luther

-Jan 22 Savion Glover's dancing to classical music. beautiful! with my mommy.

-Jan 26 Bright Eyes and Tilly and the wall with andrew. and sleeping in the city

-Naimun!!!!! Feb 4-7. (african union)

-and then winter break

dear senior year. don't fail me now <3cara



(i'm sorry i can't say anything profound in here...it just seems like i treat this like a memo pad not a save the universe pad......what?)		  
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02:04pm 18/12/2004
  I got into Bard, Villanova, and Loyola. If anyone knows anything good/bad/interesting about these schools, please fill me in. I have no idea where i want to go. really.

I am still doing applications, as I should be doing right now.

I hate the mall.

I wish christmas shopping was sentimental and not hectic. It's difficult to be thoughtful in the crazy atmosphere the mall creates. God, I hate it. I hate it even when it isn't the holiday season. I get so creeped out. It really is an issue i have.

note to self: don't sing at katie's birthday cake eating session.

happy yesterday-birthday, sunshine.

Nobody knows the katie i do. Katie youse a hotass.		  
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05:03pm 23/11/2004
  i don't know any of my friends and none of them know me.

i really think that i'd rather spend all of my time with one person (no one specific) and just learn about them. because in spending time with too many different people you never connect with anyone and you never learn anything about yourself. i really think human relationships serve as a way for people to learn about themselves.

and i think a lot of us don't get that because we are always with all of us.

us being the group that has become way to set in its ways. as jimmy and i discussed.

not that it is a terrible thing.


i've gotten in this pattern of going to sleep about 1:30 and coming home from school and feeling the need to collapse. and then sleeping for two hours and doing it again. and i am breaking that today. i'm not sure why. cause of thanksgiving break.

uhm.
i just left jr a message on his machine saying good luck to everyone at tir na gael for the oireachtas and i felt like such a dork.		  
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08:44pm 22/11/2004
  i feel strange listening to the "new" elliott smith album. i don't know. i mean. i like it.

my dream last night was very vague but had the same tone of the previous one. I honestly can't remember it in order or in terms of what was actually going on. I just have a vivid memory of the colors . it was like there was a fog filter from photoshop over everything. but i was with a group of people and we were walking along this trail or something and when we got to the top this guys was like, ok jump now. and two girls (i couldn't make out who they were) in these white dresses with really nice hair stood on the edge and just let themselves fall. and it was really beautiful for some reason.. and I remember saying to my mom "two girls walked off the cliff today" and she was like "you mean they committed suicide?" and it was though i didn't realize that was what they had done until she said it. and i was like. "yeah i guess so" and in my mind I could see them splashing against water and floating.

i hope you guys succeeded in filling the movie theatre for spongebob. I apologize john. I actually slept through any hope of going. cause i sleep.

uhm.

today was a horrid chem and physics C test. but tomorrow is orchestra rehersal for the winds 2nd period and i've never played with the orchestra. well i did in like 8th ? or some weird grade like that. i mean recently. should be fun. new world? i don't know. my mom just got home wooh!. my mom is so school. hahaha i'm leaving that. because you know it's really bad when cool comes out as school.


(i remember the bread of the sandwich of dreams from the past three days, but not the "meat" if you will. meat is in quotes because it isn't a literal sandwich but also because it isn't real meat. it's soy)


banana! <3.

i'm working friday 12-6. this is a reminder to myself. and to you.


i feel as though i know my applications will al get done and in and such. but it just doesn't seem physically or mentally possible to get them all done. i am just working on too many at once and not wrapping any up.

have a good day.		  
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here we go again...   
06:10pm 19/11/2004
  I'm starting one again, but I can't promise I won't delete it in a fit of rage again. I am just thinking ahead in terms of college and think this is a good way of keeping connected...not that I want to. : )

uhm! oh. nicole. my dream two nights ago was that i was climbing this entirely vertical sand wall because above it was this beautiful sunset (cliche....but everything is) and it was this amazing pink. and i kept slipping. and I knew wasn't supposed to be there for some reason and i turned around and below me was a cop car with sirens on. Then there was this chain of these typical looking "tough guys" all in a row...and i slipped down. and at the bottom was NICOLE REV. haha <3. and she was holding a box of these like black magnets and was like it's ok just climb up and go return your sunroof....and that was it.

last nights dream. I was on this operating table and there was a square of four tables and three other people were on the others I couldn't make out who they were. but mr. cone was the surgeon? and he was giving us morphine and the way he did it was by shoving a screwdriver into your leg....and he put in a "morphine rock"...what the mother....and anyways. so the other three people were knocked out cold , but I wasn't. and i looked down and he cut open my knee and i didn't feel anything but I was still fully aware, as though the morphine didn't work. and I couldn't tell him to stop. it was so strange. and i had scars all over my legs.

two very elaborate dreams the past two nights.

and today i received a letter from bard saying they didn't get a teacher rec from my math teacher. and i gave her the stuff in early oct and told her it was due nov first. that worries me.

maya and i went to the library after school to learn chem. it almost worked. it did in fact. almost.

tata.

things to look forward to:

getting into college.
NAIMUN!
boston!
uhhh is that it?
oh, dance!
and the city
and and and and		  
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  rar_cara_rar
 
 

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